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While writing about this topic, I would like to say that these opinions are from my own experiences in my marriage and the helpful tips I have been given through various resources. My deepest hope while writing this is that you will feel encouraged by this message to ask God to step into your marriage and help you and your husband make it what He wants it to be.
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
-1 Peter 4:8 NIV
Taming our tongues can be a hard hurdle to overcome especially when we just want to express how our flesh feels in the moment. It can be difficult to hold back words of anger and disappointment when we feel offended, misunderstood or unheard by our spouse. In this post, I would like to share with you things you can do to work to overcome this temptation of our flesh.
There is so much that God has brought to our attention in the years that we have been married. One thing we have learned is that our marriage goes through seasons of change. Sometimes these are seasons of trials, that we must, with prayer, overcome together. Then, there are the seasons of bliss, where things are going really well and we are thriving together.
Seasons of change will inevitably happen. I feel that the trial seasons we go through are meant to help strengthen our marriages. This can also be a season where our words towards each other and over our marriage are not as kind and loving as they are when things are blissful. We have to be careful of this, it can lead to us growing apart because we are unwilling to humble ourselves to the point of forgiveness and reconciliation. This is going to be totally up to us. Keeping our words loving, graceful and positive is one of the best ways to avoid strife and keep unity within our marriage.
In Proverbs 18:21 it says that “death and life are in the power of the tongue…” The way you communicate in your marriage is not exempt from this. Speaking negative, slanderous, malicious words over your marriage directly to your spouse or to a friend or family member, by default creates a space for death to come in and destroy your union.
Jesus says that “The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life, and have it in abundance [to the full, till it overflows] (John 10:10, AMP). You can not let this thief seep into your marriage and destroy everything good that God has created for both of you to enjoy. This is why it is so important to keep your words towards each other righteous. Your unity is what the enemy is trying to kill.
Beyond all these things put on and wrap yourselves in [unselfish] love, which is the perfect bond of unity [for everything is bound together in agreement when each one seeks the best for others]. -Colossians 3:14 AMP
When there is unity within your marriage, there is love, joy, trust, respect, compassion, strength, kindness, selflessness, grace, forgiveness etc. Unity begins with watching the words we say to one another.
The amazing upside for allowing this to be an example in your household is that your children will learn these qualities as well and come to expect and apply this in their own marriages. Your grandchildren too will learn that loving, respectful words are apart of the foundation for a united marriage and this wonderful cycle will hopefully repeat itself for generations to come.
Do you think this makes the enemy jump for joy? Not at all! The enemy despises unity in marriage and wants to hide the beauty of it from as many people as he can. Therefore he will do anything to stop it in its tracks.
Where do you think he will start?
He will start with our words {our tongues}. And he is fully aware that without God’s hand in our marriage, our flesh can easily become weak in this area when we feel that our spouse has wronged us in some way. This thief will take full advantage of this weakness, leaving our marriage in shambles and leave us wondering how we got to this point in the first place. Yes, watching our words is that important!
As husband and wife, you will have many disagreements and misunderstandings. Your feelings will be hurt unintentionally. Assumptions will be made that may or may not be true. It is vital that when this happens our hearts are rooted in Jesus to help us come to a peaceful resolution.
My point is not to live like things are all flowers and rainbows (although that sounds wonderful) and I am not saying you should become passive and sweep things under the rug. My point is that when these problems do arise, you will be able to approach them in a godly manner, with an open heart and words of grace and forgiveness on your tongue.
So how do we tame our tongues when our flesh is feeling offended?
To start off, your marriage is worth taking a pause when your flesh is feeling offended! Many times the first thought that comes to our mind should not be spoken when we feel this way. But the reality is that most of the time that is exactly what happens. We yell out our very first thought and then it’s an all out war zone from there.
In this instance, our hearts can become more deeply wounded when words of sarcasm, belittling, cursing and more are the first things said in an argument. Our spouse will immediately put up a wall of defense. This wall, once up can be hard to bring down because of the need to protect their own emotions from the wrath that you are unleashing. This is not the way to accomplishing a peaceful resolution.
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret – it leads only to evil. -Psalms 37:8 NIV
It is important that we are very intentional in the way we handle our marital conflicts. So instead of yelling, cursing and belittling take a pause for a moment. Think before you react. “From out of the mouth the heart speaks”. Seek to change your heart by asking the Lord to cover your words, your tone and your delivery with kindness.
The key is to cover your marriage, your unity and your oneness in prayer, especially in times of trial. Prayer helps to clear our minds and give us a better perspective. It helps us give grace to our spouse, humbles us and opens our hearts to receiving what they have to say. It prepares us to understand their point of view. That is why the act of pausing first is so crucial in resolving marital conflict.
Sit Down, Talk It Out
This is a crucial moment, where our words will either be fueled by hurt and pain or grace and forgiveness. I came across a quote that said “Do not listen with the intent to reply, but with the intent to understand.” Fully focus on what your spouse is saying and not how you are going to reply. When your spouse is speaking from their point of view, take this time to truly hear them out. A lot of misunderstandings do not have to escalate as far as they do if we would just take the time to intentionally understand each other’s point of view.
There is a book I have been reading, it is actually a 31-Day Devotional by Steve Hoppe called Marital Conflict: Talking as Teammates. It’s a practical read with questions for you and your husband to work on together and individually. These are things you can apply to your marriage right away so you can start to see a change in how you communicate with each other.
Each devotional within this book covers a different topic on how to tame your tongue in a certain area. For example, day 9 covers swearing with the tongue, while day 11 covers comparing with the tongue. Click below to read more about this helpful resource.
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Marital Conflict: Talking as Teammates By Steve Hoppe / P & R Publishing |
Be humble, Be apologetic
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. -Philippians 2:3-4 NIV
If you are not perfect, chances are your spouse is not perfect either. We have to be willing to humble our expectations and give grace where it is needed. Come to a point where you don’t have to be right all the time or have the last word. To be able to apologize to one another with a humble, forgiving heart shows the enemy that you both are refusing to fall for his tricks. This is very pleasing in God’s eyes. You are intentionally choosing to have unity rather than division within your marriage. Pray together for peace and not to dwell in this area.
Forgiveness
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. -Ephesians 4:32 NIV
Our flesh loves to hold on to transgressions. However, think about if God held on to all of our transgressions? (Yikes!) Think about when we truly repent for our wrongdoings and we look to God for His forgiveness.
Well, your spouse is doing the same thing, apologizing and looking to you for your forgiveness. Give them your forgiveness because that is what God calls us to do for one another. We are all undeserving to be forgiven but that does not stop our Heavenly Father from immediately giving His forgiveness to us.
Forgiveness heals. Forgiveness mends. Forgiveness is growth. It is necessary that you come to a point of forgiveness if you plan to move forward together. Don’t miss out on your blissful seasons by continuing to dwell on what has taken place in the past. Have faith that God will give you peace and reconciliation.
These steps in taming our tongues are simple. Not easy but simple. However, there are some things that can sway us away from these simple steps such as:
- the feelings of our flesh
- advice that is not helpful from friends/family
- the words we speak over our marriage
- comparing our situation to someone else’s
- lack of prayer over our marriage
God speaks of having control over the words we say very often throughout scripture. He wants us to prosper, have unity and cherish the time we have with our spouse. I strongly believe this is why he gives us so much guidance in the way we are to speak to each other. In closing, I would like to leave you with 7 scriptures you can pray to help tame your tongue:
Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. -Colossians 4:6 NIV
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. -Ephesians 4:29 NIV
May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.
-Psalms 19:14 NIV
Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. -Proverbs 16:24 NIV
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
-Proverbs 15:1 NIV
Set a guard over my mouth, Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips.
-Psalms 141:3 NIV
The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. -Proverbs 12:18 NIV
Prayers for more blissful seasons!
Joyfully, Frances
Thank you so much for this. I struggle with this often and I needed this type of encouragement.
You welcome! So glad this was an encouragement to you! Our words are really something we need to be very mindful of daily.
Loved the encouragement. What I learned in 29 years of marriage is that ‘I’ do not have to have the last word and if I am waiting to have the last word I am not listening. Thanks for sharing your experience, thoughts and suggestions.
29 years. That is a wonderful blessing. And I love what you said, if we are waiting to get the last word, we are not listening. I agree. We have to be willing to listen. This is a lesson I have had to learn over the years. So glad you felt encouraged through this message.
Exactly what I needed to hear today! Thank you for your beautiful words of truth! Marriage is hard and we need help. Praying together has been the best thing for our marriage!
Thank you! That is great to hear. I am really glad you keep you both keep your marriage covered in prayer. It is our greatest defense!
Thank you for sharing this! I loved how you mentioned waiting to get the last word. You laid everything out so nicely and I loved the Scripture references…I highlighted several in my Bible after reading this. What wonderful encouragement!!!
Oh Good! Yay! That is wonderful! Happy you found the scripture references encouraging! Thank you so much for your kind words.
Sounds like a really great book. It has many great topics that can surely be beneficial in a marriage. Thanks for sharing.
Yes, this book is really amazing. I love the biblical perspectives he brings in each chapter. Thank you for your feedback😊
Beautiful post! It is so hard to be mindful of our words sometimes, when we are angry, tired or hurt. Thank you for such helpful words and scriptures to remember.
I agree! This can be so hard in the heat of the moment when you just want to lash out at your spouse. But being mindful of God’s Word on this matter will help us to be more intentional about how we go about disagreements within our marriage.